Author Archive

Synergy

November 6, 2010

The origin of this term can be traced to the preeminent twat-wad Buckminster Fuller, the man responsible for geodesic spheres such as this monstrosity. Congratulations, Buck. You constructed a giant toy.

The concept itself isn’t so bad. Basically its when the combined action of multiple entities produces a better outcome than if the entities acted separately. Whole-is-greater-than-the-sum-of-its-parts kinda thing. The idea has been around for a while. In music,  two singers singing different notes simultaneously produce a stronger effect than if the notes were sung separately. Two people carrying a long table across a room will find the job more efficient than each person carrying the table in turn. No shit. A 5-year old could intuitively grasp and utilize this concept without the aid of a portmanteau. And yet, millions of corporate strategists named “Keith” or “Brad” think they’ve touched on a real productivity gem when they use this meaningless string of letters as space filler on a power point slide.

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It’s all good.

December 16, 2009

If you find yourself within earshot of this particularly insidious utterance, you can count on the fact that “it” is most assuredly not “all good.” You’ve probably heard this used by some happy-go-lucky jerk-off who is either completely clueless as to the severity of the situation, or is simply unable to come up with any substantial words of reassurance. On the surface it may seem as if this person is offering genuinely optimistic, kind-hearted words but the insertion of a hyperbolic “all” into the phrase just draws attention to the fact that something is definitely wrong.

“Oh right, Todd, ‘it’s all good’ is it? Yeah, except for the fact that you just spilled a pint of blue-flavored Mad Dog all over the fucking hand-knit wool scarf my great aunt Edna made for me. Clumsy shit. You can’t just fix this in three words.”

 

What can I do ya for? (guest writer, Zachy O)

February 13, 2009

With only six single-syllable words, one person brings together all the hardships facing the modern person with one seemingly clever turn of phrase.  Congratulations, you switched two words around and changed common decency into a black cloud of linguistic destruction.  Aren’t you sharp?  I bet you kill at parties with this one!  I bet you also don’t know that you nearly kill our country every time you utter this abomination.  Let us elucidate the point of how truly detestable this phrase is in two clear points:

1)  By switching around the two words at the end of the original altruistic phrase, you quickly establish an imbalance of power often seen in struggling capitalistic societies whereby a monetary value has been assigned to a human life.  Thank you for reminding everyone of their potential to go from sacred to down and dirty prostitute.  And if it wasn’t bad enough that newspapers remind us on a daily basis of the financial crisis, you feel the need to remind us that everything has a monetary value and therefore subject to our increased stress over not being able to afford it. 

2)  We’re all adults and can acknowledge the sexual undertone to this detestable phrase.  Well isn’t that great, you have now sexually harassed someone in the most subtle of fashions.  No, no, go right ahead and make people feel uncomfortable.  It’s not like we live in a patriarchal society where women don’t earn as much and are sexually harassed throughout the workplace.  Let’s call a spade a spade:  saying “what can I do ya for” to someone is the equivalent of verbal rape.  Good job.  Chris Hansen doesn’t have a busy enough schedule catching pedophiles on “To Catch A Predator”, now he has to figure out a way to catch people verbally raping people.

In sum, every time you say “what can I do ya for”, you are crashing the stock market and victimizing countless people just looking for some assistance.  Not since the fictitious “Project Mayhem” has such consistent carnage been brought up this country.  But, no, please, act witty with your turn of a phrase.  By all means, bring us all down with you, you no-talent ass clown. 

Exception:  There is only one exception to the use of this phrase and that is if you live in the south, are fat, wearing overalls and are over the age of 60.  Having a piece of straw in your mouth at time of utterance is encouraged.

More power to ya

October 9, 2008

This phrase is meant to express support/encouragement/respect for another person’s decisions and habits. Some people use this phrase at least as often as they take a crap . Coincidentally, the two are functionally equivalent.

“If Mary wants to give herself a clitoral piercing with a staple gun, then hey – more power to her.”

“Well Hank, you may be a wife-beating nutcase, but more power to ya if thats your prerogative.” (speaking of which: misuse of the word “prerogative” may have its own special place on Detestable Phrases)

It’s almost as if supplementing an otherwise derisive or critical comment with “more power to you” removes any negative appraisal of the situation. Perhaps it was originally intended to suggest that it’s empowering to do something bold or that runs against convention, but like so many expressions, it was hijacked by dipshits. In fact, the phrase is so meaningless, I’m not even sure what I’m angry about. All I know is that if anyone declares “more power” to me, I’m going to stab that person in the kidney. 

                                 

…recharge my batteries.

June 5, 2008

“I really just need to recharge my batteries”

This statement makes me die a little inside each time I hear it. It is popular among over-worked philistines who love the idea of vacationing to Fort Lauderdale for a week to “unwind.”

Please stop using this “person-as-machine” metaphor. Its bad for humanity.

                                      

 

Bring it to the table

April 15, 2008

“What can YOU bring to the table?”

“We all have our own experiences that we bring to the table”

“With his solid background in accounting software, he really brought a lot to the table”

…Such are some of the potential uses of this trite expression.  It is an attempt at adding color and depth to a hopelessly boring dialogue through a very poor metaphor – a hypothetical table around which everyone gathers to place little nuggets of themselves for display.

Well, a lot of folks’ social interactions are not based on a straight-forward regiment as the expression implies. And a lot of us have more interesting regular experiences than sitting around a fucking TABLE. Like making fat kids sing “Dancing Queen” for peanut butter cups. Put THAT on your table.

Get the toxins out.

March 31, 2008

Enjoy pseudo-science?

In describing their own or another’s state of health, some people will pay considerable heed to a term used non-specifically to refer to any substance claimed to cause ill health. This is the concept of bodily “toxins.”

Just what are the toxins, where do they come from, and how can they be eliminated, you ask? Quite simply, the toxins are microscopic gremlins that accumulate in the body as a result of poor diet, lack of exercise, excessive drinking, and stress. The long term effects of the toxins include malaise, fatigue, and spiritual emptiness. They can be eliminated or “flushed out” through yoga, massage therapy, plenty of water, saunas, and consuming raw vegetables. Doing any of these things will cause the toxins to transform into vapor and flee the temple that is your body.

In other word, the toxins are complete horseshit created by neurotic twits with no medical or scientific background. And no amount of filtered water can flush that kind of mental sewage away.

WARNING: If there really is a toxin in your bloodstream, you may need to seek medical attention immediately, as it could kill you.
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Gentlemen…

February 27, 2008

The detestability of this phrase is reserved to its usage in non-formal settings among the twenty-something male population as a greeting toward other “bros.” There is a certain subtlety to this phrase that sets it apart from many of the other utterances in our catalogue. It is best illustrated by an example: Picture any douche-bag in law school you may know entering a sports bar during happy hour to meet his friends. He approaches them at the bar with a swaggering stride and gives one of his comrades a double high-five. “Gentlemen,” he proclaims smugly in the place of a “hello” or “whats up?” This is to make it clear that this is no ordinary get-together, but rather is the beginning of a very special male-bonding ritual that will endure many Coors lights throughout the evening.
Of course this greeting can be applied endlessly to other types of dude gatherings and can even be replaced with “Gents,” but hopefully the above scenario accurately reflects its essentially detestable “flavor.”

this puppy

January 16, 2008

This is only acceptable when referring to the literal juvenile canine. In the vernacular, its referent is any object of perceived importance or exceptional value such as a sport-utility-vehicle, electric guitar, or even a cashier’s check. Like many of our detestable phrases, its origin is somewhat unclear yet it still pokes its way into the banal discourse of countless uncreative buffoons, arising in a most automatic fashion. For instance, a co-worker may ask of you with self-assured sincerity, “Listen, could you drop this puppy off in fedex after lunch?” At this point, your co-worker’s shoes should be thoroughly covered in your vomit

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do the math

January 2, 2008

This is commonly used by snarky assholes who are attempting to prove a point when they are simply incapable of putting a logical string of thought together. Consequently, such people resort to using vapid, detestable idiomatic trash to fill the void that is their completely ass-backward argument. It is often spoken with an unwarranted tone of confidence and authority. Ironically, the people you will find uttering “do the math” are quite ill-informed of the fundamental rules of mathematics.

do the math