Archive for February, 2009

What can I do ya for? (guest writer, Zachy O)

February 13, 2009

With only six single-syllable words, one person brings together all the hardships facing the modern person with one seemingly clever turn of phrase.  Congratulations, you switched two words around and changed common decency into a black cloud of linguistic destruction.  Aren’t you sharp?  I bet you kill at parties with this one!  I bet you also don’t know that you nearly kill our country every time you utter this abomination.  Let us elucidate the point of how truly detestable this phrase is in two clear points:

1)  By switching around the two words at the end of the original altruistic phrase, you quickly establish an imbalance of power often seen in struggling capitalistic societies whereby a monetary value has been assigned to a human life.  Thank you for reminding everyone of their potential to go from sacred to down and dirty prostitute.  And if it wasn’t bad enough that newspapers remind us on a daily basis of the financial crisis, you feel the need to remind us that everything has a monetary value and therefore subject to our increased stress over not being able to afford it. 

2)  We’re all adults and can acknowledge the sexual undertone to this detestable phrase.  Well isn’t that great, you have now sexually harassed someone in the most subtle of fashions.  No, no, go right ahead and make people feel uncomfortable.  It’s not like we live in a patriarchal society where women don’t earn as much and are sexually harassed throughout the workplace.  Let’s call a spade a spade:  saying “what can I do ya for” to someone is the equivalent of verbal rape.  Good job.  Chris Hansen doesn’t have a busy enough schedule catching pedophiles on “To Catch A Predator”, now he has to figure out a way to catch people verbally raping people.

In sum, every time you say “what can I do ya for”, you are crashing the stock market and victimizing countless people just looking for some assistance.  Not since the fictitious “Project Mayhem” has such consistent carnage been brought up this country.  But, no, please, act witty with your turn of a phrase.  By all means, bring us all down with you, you no-talent ass clown. 

Exception:  There is only one exception to the use of this phrase and that is if you live in the south, are fat, wearing overalls and are over the age of 60.  Having a piece of straw in your mouth at time of utterance is encouraged.