Archive for January, 2008

this puppy

January 16, 2008

This is only acceptable when referring to the literal juvenile canine. In the vernacular, its referent is any object of perceived importance or exceptional value such as a sport-utility-vehicle, electric guitar, or even a cashier’s check. Like many of our detestable phrases, its origin is somewhat unclear yet it still pokes its way into the banal discourse of countless uncreative buffoons, arising in a most automatic fashion. For instance, a co-worker may ask of you with self-assured sincerity, “Listen, could you drop this puppy off in fedex after lunch?” At this point, your co-worker’s shoes should be thoroughly covered in your vomit

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boob tube

January 16, 2008

listen: watching TV does not make you a boob. there is plenty of intelligent programming on your samsung (i.e.: frontline, planet earth, c-span. not i.e.: crowned, hannity & colmes, CBN, katie couric.) katie couric is actually, probably a quadruple entendre in this case.

the point: what makes you a boob is referring to your TV as “the boob tube.” please stop. yes, the screen is convex. it doesn’t work in a literal sense either.

kudos

January 4, 2008

This falls into a larger category of synonyms to “thank you” or other affiliated responses of graciousness and praise. For one, if someone says “kudos” to you, are they really complementing you, or just lacklusterly performing an ostensibly hip, alternative discourse that tries to signify youth while never being actually located within any form of youth culture. For two, from Wikipedia: The term became more widespread in the mid-1980’s when the Kudos Granola Bar was introduced and became extremely popular.

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emotional rollercoaster

January 3, 2008

This is the ne plus ultra of the DP catalog. Does one really know what an emotional rollercoaster is? We say neigh; it is merely a common and simplistic referent explaining the vacillation of one’s feelings. To compare the metaphor further would require some work: rollercoasters go up and down, side to side, with highs and lows and anything in between. Sure, that sounds good, but seriously? Escalators perform similar functions. So do airplanes. But wait, says the rollercoaster defender. It’s the progression of ups and downs that makes the metaphor, a hormonal capsule barreling along the track of comedy, drama and tragedy. Wrong. Emotions have neither elevation nor lateral coordinates. They are locatable as feelings, not plots on a graph. This example’s detestability, much like most of the phrases we discuss, is in its laziness. It is sloppy English, unimaginative, and thoroughly overused.

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do the math

January 2, 2008

This is commonly used by snarky assholes who are attempting to prove a point when they are simply incapable of putting a logical string of thought together. Consequently, such people resort to using vapid, detestable idiomatic trash to fill the void that is their completely ass-backward argument. It is often spoken with an unwarranted tone of confidence and authority. Ironically, the people you will find uttering “do the math” are quite ill-informed of the fundamental rules of mathematics.

do the math