if i had a dime…

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everyone has had a friend that says this; and trust me, they got it from their grandparent, or some similarly uncool/out-of-the-loop older relative: “if i had a dime for every time you/she/he/they did x, i’d a be millionaire.” aside being unimaginative, which it most definitely is, it’s inaccurate. and even aside its inaccuracy, it’s downright stupid. seriously, can someone not find a more interesting way to say “uh, hey, dude, you do that a lot,” without resorting to something so overtly trite?

but really? i mean, rely on exaggeration all you want (“that cat looks like eddie vedder” or “i just drank 38 brews and still managed to drive home after murdering that cat that looks like eddie vedder” ) but know how to use it–tastefully–and with an appropriate idea of realistic feats, use of variable measurement scales, and a sensibility of why something would be funny if amplified by 10/100/1000. or at least qualitatively more extreme.

a couple years ago i started using the “if i had a dime” phrase but in *le résistance*… “hey brian” ; “yeah?” ; “if i had a nickel for every time you had sex with that cat that looks like eddie vedder, i’d have .65$.” not only does a person who hears such a phrase immediately try to find out how many times brian actually had sex with the cat that looks like eddie vedder (13), but you also get the added benefit of making semi-realistic a trope that has for centuries? been possessed by overalled grandparents and khaki-wearing golf-dads.

and by the way, 10 million dimes = ‘if i had a dime… millionaire’. joke’s over.

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One Response to “if i had a dime…”

  1. Zackie O Says:

    More like, if I had an Eddie Vedder for every dime I’ve swallowed, I’d basically have the soundtrack to Into The Wild blaring 24 hours a day in my apartment.

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