EURO-TWIT DOUBLEHEADER: “across the pond” and “the continent”

this is why “across the pond” DOES NOT WORK AS LANGUAGE:

1. the atlantic ocean is not a pond. in fact, according to enchantedlearning.com, the area of the atlantic is approximately 33,420,000 square miles. oh, and it’s 12,881 feet deep, on average. how how low can it go? TRY OVER 28,000 FEET.

2. according to wikipedia, “a pond is a body of water smaller than a lake.” and i’m pretty sure that lakes are smaller than seas are smaller than oceans.

thus. going “across the pond” is not a hop, nor a skip, nor a jump away, as your average cosmopolitan jetsetter with a pashmina would have you believe.

secondly, let’s talk about people who refer to europe as “the continent.” yes, these silly intellectuals exist, and many of them carry moleskine journals around with them to prove it. one of my oxford-educated colleagues, who now lives on an island near the continent called the united kingdom, once had to endure an afternoon in a DC coffee shop spent listening to a table full of east-coasters discuss the superiority of “the continent.” other topics of conversation included: the inferiority of the american midwest, something about how no one in the state of missouri can make a good cocktail, and another something about how homeless folk are loathsome.

please: if you refer to europe as “the continent,” please kindly step across the pond and live on said continent. THX.

Gentlemen…

The detestability of this phrase is reserved to its usage in non-formal settings among the twenty-something male population as a greeting toward other “bros.” There is a certain subtlety to this phrase that sets it apart from many of the other utterances in our catalogue. It is best illustrated by an example: Picture any douche-bag in law school you may know entering a sports bar during happy hour to meet his friends. He approaches them at the bar with a swaggering stride and gives one of his comrades a double high-five. “Gentlemen,” he proclaims smugly in the place of a “hello” or “whats up?” This is to make it clear that this is no ordinary get-together, but rather is the beginning of a very special male-bonding ritual that will endure many Coors lights throughout the evening.
Of course this greeting can be applied endlessly to other types of dude gatherings and can even be replaced with “Gents,” but hopefully the above scenario accurately reflects its essentially detestable “flavor.”